Top Five Premarital Complaints by Couples

As a couples counselor who specializes in premarital Counseling, I have noticed a pattern of common couple problems. Many couples have relationship friction before marriage and experience an increase during wedding planning. I counsel couples, I teach couples, and I help individuals with their relationship problems. Here are some common complaints by couples before the wedding.

  1. Lack of trust
  2. Inability to problem solve
  3. Parents or in laws are allowed to interfere
  4. Money problems
  5. Spending too much time with opposite sex friends

Premarital Counseling is important Premarital Counseling Workshop

I’m Afraid I Don’t Know My Fiancé Very Well?

Well, you have bought the dress, ordered the flowers, and paid for the tuxedos, this should be the happiest time in your life. Something is wrong, and it is hard to explain.

The Bride To Be:

“When we were dating everything seemed good, but now that we have moved in together, I’m learning things about you that I didn’t realize before. Sometimes  I wonder if we really know each other.  I notice that when you are angry, you become physically intimidating.  I notice that when you are mad at me that you give me the silent treatment for a week. I try to talk to you but that just seems to make you more angry. I heard you talking to your mother the other day about our problems, but you won’t talk to me. Lately, you are spending more time with your friends then you spend with me.”

The Groom To Be:

“When I come home I’m tired and you seem to want to talk. When I want sex, you don’t want to be bothered. When your parents come for a visit, you push me to the side and the three of you plan our wedding, without any input from me. I  try to talk to you but you just get sad, cry, or you over-talk me. Lately, I have been talking to a co-worker, because I feel like I don’t have anyone else to talk to. We are supposed to get married in two months, but I have doubts, as it seems that we don’t really know a lot about each other and now those differences are starting to appear.”

Here are ten signs that you may not REALLY know your fiancé

  1. If you have not known and dated your fiancé for at least a year  and a half. Meaning you dated for a year before accepting a proposal
  2. If you have not discussed important issues like money, sex, religion, etc.
  3. If you have not seen all aspects of his or her personality (range of emotion) sadness, anger etc.
  4. If you have not figured out how to have a PRODUCTIVE argument/conflict
  5. If you have not met all immediate and important family and friends
  6. If you have not discussed whether or not you want to have children
  7. If you have negative feelings toward your fiancé’s friends or family that you have not discussed or resolved
  8. If you have NOT discussed prior sexual and medical history (disorders, diseases etc.)
  9. If you don’t trust or have concern about your fiancé’s character
  10. If you and your fiancé live in different states and have dated and established a relationship LONG distance

If you need one on one coaching or counseling regarding your engagement please complete the form below.

Are you perplexed about your relationship?

via Daily Prompt: Perplexed

Relationships are complicated, whether we are at the beginning, the middle, or the ending phase, relationships take a lot of work. Often couples feel perplexed about their relationship status, according to the Merriam Webster dictionary app, perplexed is defined as being filled with uncertainty  or the inability to understand something clearly. This is normal, however many couples enter into engagement and feel uncertain about not only their relationship status, but issues related to the planning of the wedding day. If you are feeling perplexed then perhaps you should address these feelings in couples counseling.

Here are some common issues that engaged couples feel perplexed about during the engagement stage.

  1. Their partner’s personality traits (anger, manipulation, laziness, difficulty managing money, not being truthful, lack of interest in sex, and conflict with perspective in-laws)
  2. Feeling as if they have rushed into the engagement phase
  3. Feeling that they are not ready to live with their partner on a daily basis
  4. Inability to communicate directly
  5. Inability to resolve conflict
  6. Inability to show affection
  7. Inability to move past prior cheating incidents
  8. Inability to stop cheating on partner
  9. Fear that you are going to miss out on the single life with friends
  10. Concern about physical or verbal abuse

If you are engaged and experiencing any of the above concerns, by all means, find a premarital counselor. Counselors who are specially trained can assist you with identifying key problems and resolving those issues, before entering a legally and spiritually binding marriage.

What is the difference between successful and unsuccessful marriages???

Many people decide to commit to marriage every year, yet as we all know the divorce statistics are at an all time high. What makes some marriages last and others dissolve, sometimes very early; a couple of years or less. Many experts and others in the field would probably have many theories as to why so many marriages end in divorce. Well, I think that several considerations should be mentioned when trying to figure out the marriage dissolution maze. I purpose the following reasons as to why some marriages last and others do not.

Marriages that don’t work:

FIRST: Marriage is forever, at least it used to be. Many couples in today’s world enter marriage with the thought process that if things get “sticky” or if the couple becomes unhappy a divorce is just one legal document away. Marriage is no longer forever!

SECOND: There seems to be this unrealistic belief that marriage brings happiness. This is a touchy subject, many don’t like when I inform them that their spouse is not responsible for their overall happiness. This is a heavy burden to place on another person, to make someone else responsible for their happiness. A spouse can do little things to make you happy and two people can create awesome memories, but at the end of the day true happiness comes from GOD and self. It is each individual person’s responsibility to create a relationship with God and to find out his or her purpose in life, which will lead to happiness. To say that a husband or wife has to make someone else happy takes away individual responsibility. Ideally, only whole and happy people should marry, thereby lessening the pressure that can be put upon a spouse to create happiness.

THIRD: Many people show up in marriage with many wounds; such as past physical and sexual abuse, abandonment issues by parents, trust issues from prior relationships, and mental health issues. All of this can lead to a volatile relationship. Wounded people marry looking for someone to HEAL them.

FOURTH: Many couples are selfish and not willing to work through the hard times. Couples like instant gratification and when they do not get instant gratification they become angry, bitter, and resentful. Most couples spend time crying and talking about how and why they are unhappy instead of investing that time into their relationship.

Marriages that work:

1. Individuals allow selfish needs to die
2. Divorce is not an option simply because someone is unhappy
3. Individuals have a relationship with God
4. Individuals are self-aware and work on healing and solving their issues from the past
5. Individuals understand that they are responsible for their own happiness
6. Individuals are aware of their role in the marriage and execute it daily

Assessing Relationship Readiness……..

It is a very natural thing to want to be in a loving relationship with another person.  Many search and jump from relationship to relationship in an effort to find love, comfort, and companionship.  The problem with individuals desperately seeking relationships is that they often move forward with relationships before they are ready.  So how does one assess whether or not they are ready to pursue or commit to a relationship? Well it is my belief that several things should be in place in order for a relationship to develop in a healthy manner. Hopefully the following relationship assessment points will assist in determining whether one is ready or not.

  1. You are ready if you are single for at least two years and have assessed and learned from your past relationship mistakes (both parties have a role is the dissolution of the relationship).
  2. You know why you want to be in a relationship.
  3. You are financially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically ready.
  4. Fully available (not married, not separated, or going through a divorce).
  5. You have been independent, lived alone, paying your own bills, and ok with being alone.
  6. You are ready when you know what you want out of a relationship (i.e. marriage, just dating, companionship).
  7. You are ready when you do not have relationship baggage (YOU HAVE HEALED AND PROCESSED YOUR HURT).
  8. You are ready when you can live in Relationship reality: are able to identify RED flags for potential relationship failure.
  • For more on this topic listen to Premarital Bliss Podcast