Are you worthy of marriage? Are you dating and thinking about getting engaged? How do you know if you are worthy of marriage? Do you know why you want to get married? Before marriage takes place, you have to be sure you are worthy of the title of Husband or Wife, so how does one know if they are worthy of marriage? Hopefully this will help you figure out if you are worthy:
- You are worthy of marriage if you are socially and emotionally mature.
- You are worthy of marriage if you are single (not engaged, NOT SEPARATED, and not a SERIAL SPOUSE (multiple failed marriages).
- You are worthy of marriage if you are financially secure.
- You are worthy of marriage if you are able to leave your family and cleave to your potential spouse.
- You are worthy of marriage if you are mature enough to commit, putting selfishness aside and understand the purpose of marriage.
- You are worthy of marriage if you know that God has to be the head of the relationship.
- You are worthy of marriage if you can problem solve, handle conflict, and listen.
- You are worthy of marriage if you RESPECT THE UNION OF MARRIAGE.
- You are worthy of marriage if you know how to create BOUNDARIES to keep others out of your relationship.
- You are worthy of marriage if you are able to spend the rest of your life giving the other person the advantage, so that their needs are fulfilled.
Marriage can be based on many different things, hopefully one of the things your marriage is based upon is trust. Trust is vital in all relationships, but it has to be earned and it has to be developed over time. When trust is broken or weakened, then steps must be taken to prepare the damage that has been done. Unfortunately, many people marry without the benefit of trust. For instance, the guy who commits an act of infidelity the night before his wedding in celebration of his last night of freedom. What about the lady that constantly lies about her past relationships, or her relationship with her family of origin.
Some people have emotional trust issues, they are not able to connect with their partner because of past hurts during childhood or in adult relationships. Some people have not witnessed trustworthy people because everyone in their life has let them down in some aspect and proven to be untrustworthy. Possibly, some people have character defects that need to be rectified through mental health and spiritual counseling.
Do you trust your spouse? Can you trust your spouse to keep his or her marital vows. Can you trust your spouse’s word, that they will do what they say they are going to do? Can you trust that they will pay the bills, care for the children, and be financially responsible. What about emotions? Can you trust your spouse or potential spouse to be emotionally available? When someone is emotionally available they are able to respond to your emotional needs in a caring and mature manner, when you are in need.
You should only marry if you are in a trusting relationship. If your mate exhibits the following attributes then you may not be in a trusting relationship:
- Selfish tendencies in most actions
- A pattern of lying outright or misrepresenting the facts
- Being secretive about most things, especially things of the past
- Unresolved trauma in either party
- Past history of drug or alcohol abuse
- Inability to keep promises
- A pattern of cheating in current and prior relationships
- High levels of insecurity
Marriage is one of the most important relationships that you will ever engage in, but it is also one of the hardest relationships to maintain. The key to a long-lasting and healthy marriage is to have a strong foundation. It is important to incorporate God into your marriage so that your marriage is able to grow and endure challenges. It is also important because God is the only one that truly knows how to make a marriage survive and grow. Only God knows the true meaning of marriage, and that meaning is free of selfish needs.
What is the foundation of your marriage? I have observed many marriages that are based upon lust, convenience, desperation, love, and loneliness. The problem with using one of the aforementioned as a basis for marriage is that each will lead to shaky ground and will not endure the test of time. When God is incorporated into marriage then we have a source for problem solving, learning how to love, how to over come challenges, and how to heal with the support of our spouse. Quite often in my professional teaching role I have asked couples why did they decide to get married, but I inform them that they cannot give the answer that they are in love. More often than not the couples have great difficult identifying why they want to get married. I think that if we do not know why we are getting married than we are starting on shaky foundation. If we marry because we simply do not want to be alone or think that no one else will want to marry us, we are starting on shaky ground.
So what is the foundation of your marriage? In what ways can you use the marital relationship to do God’s will?
I really dislike the term “friends with benefits” I am very surprised that women have lowered their standards so low that they are willing to accept this title, which by the way simply means booty call. This means that a woman is not worthy of a commitment, she is only worthy of casual sex and only thought of when sexual needs arise. Women continue to be under the illusion that this is a good scenario and that somehow they are in control of the situation and gaining all that they want from this so-called “friends with benefits” but what about “Marriage with benefits? In our society we seem to forget that there are a lot of benefits to marriage. Besides the obvious reason of having companionship and some one to build a family with, marriage is very essential to individual adult development.
Many of us experience the development that occurs during adolescents and then again during the college years. Think back to your personality when you were a sophomore in college compared to now as a fully grown adult with responsibilities. I know for instance that I have changed my views on many issues, my personality has changed related to my spiritual connection with God, I also changed when I became Mrs. Dixon. I had always knew that I changed but it wasn’t until I began to observe those around me who were married and those who were not married that I realized how much my marriage had contributed to my adult development. Marriage is a unique bond that brings about positive change, provided that you marry the right person. Just as when one has children and change for the better, marriage should also bring about a positive change. So, exactly how does marriage change us? Here are just some of the ways in which marriage can change us.
If you are married and have not changed for the better, then you may not be in the best relationship. Marriage with benefits allows us to mature, this type of maturity cannot occur in casual sexual encounters. The mentality of “friends with benefits” may actually stunt adult development because that type of relationship is rooted deep in selfishness and sin.
Some common benefits of marriage:
1. In marriage we learn how to argue in a mature manner, we learn how to consider the opinions of others.
2. We learn how to humble ourselves (when needed) for the greater good.
3. For those of us who are rebellious, we learn how to accept criticism and correction that is made out of love.
4. We learn relationship boundaries, how to keep others out of our marriage and how to stay out of other people’s marriages.
5. We learn how to work as a team to solve problems.
6. We learn how to respect the opinions of someone else.
7. We learn how to accept someone telling us when we are wrong, and listen to sound reasoning.
8. We learn how to solve financial problems.
9. We learn our shortcomings, rooted in childhood, our shortcomings are exposed and we can correct them in a safe environment.
10. We learn how to consider someone’s else’s feelings before our own.
11. We learn how to regulate our emotions, and how to identify emotional issues.
12. We learn how to connect and build a healthy relationship, outside of pure sex.
13. We learn the importance of being cooperative.
Before you were Mr. such and such half of a great couple, or before you were Mrs. such and such the other half of a great couple, you were uniquely you. When you were uniquely you, you were able to navigate through life independently making your own decisions (some good, some bad) but they were yours. Before you were married, you had friends, activities, hobbies, career aspirations etc. Before you were married you cared about how you dressed and the condition of your body. Well, marriage doesn’t change or shouldn’t change any of that. Yes, you may not be able to remain friends with some people because their values may not prove to be respectful of a newly married individual. This is understandable that some things will change because you have a new relationship to nurture and grow. It is important to remember that the better you are at taking care of yourself the better spouse and parent you will become.
One of the most unattractive characteristics of an individual is when they have completely lost their identify because they have become engrossed in their new relationship. This is detrimental because it will cause a severing of past relationships that may have taken a life time to build. It will also cause you to not make yourself a priority. When you are a priority then you have a full complete life with your spouse, friends, and activities. Do not fall victim to losing all the qualities that attracted your mate to you. For instance, if you were a critical thinker and independent, do not become so dependent that you cannot not make simple decisions for yourself (this is very unattractive). If you were full of life and energy, do not become a couch potato who has gained weight and lacks energy to the point where you cannot even complete basic household chores. If you were creative and cheerful, nurture that spark so that your mate continues to adore and love your vitality. In other words continue to be uniquely you, all the things that attracted your mate and others to you; remain full of life, cheer, joy, creativity, and intellect.
Do you consider yourself a whole person that is ready for marriage? Your future spouse deserves to marry a whole person. You may wonder what does a whole person look like. Well, a whole person is one who has taken the time to develop fully as an adult, a person who has taken his or her personal inventory and has made the decision to heal from past hurts and leave all past baggage behind. A whole person has created healthy boundaries with their families (specifically their parents) so that they are prepared to enter an adult relationship without interference from friends and family. A whole person has experienced living self-sufficiently and understands the importance of financial responsibility, and having time alone to mature and experience life as an adult.
You may not be a “WHOLE PERSON” IF:
- You consult your parents first when you have personal problems
- You allow your parents to financially support you
- You allow your parents to manipulate you
- You do not express your thoughts and feelings toward others
- You put your family before your partner
- You live at home because you are afraid to explore the world as an adult
- You continue to reside in selfishness, thinking only of self
- You do not know how to problem solve
- You cannot think critically
- You haven’t not experienced and handled life’s challenges successfully
Before marriage some doubts may be normal, because you are making a decision that will affect the rest of your life. However, how do you differentiate between normal and true doubts. How long should you allow doubts to persist before you take the feelings seriously?
Well, it depends on what the doubts are concerning, if you are having doubts about whether you want to be married or the character of your soon to be spouse, then you might want to take the time to explore those issues. If you are doubting the choice of cake or the brides maids dresses then you don’t have much to worry about. If you are wondering why you mate choose you, because you feel blessed to have your spouse to be, but wonder if you are good enough, this may also be normal, but in small doses. Don’t spend too much time wondering or it will become an issue.
If you are having doubts about being a good spouse, or how you will perform sexually on your wedding night, then just know these are normal doubts. This is a happy time that will bring about some nervous energy, after all, hopefully this will be your one and only marriage, and you will undoubtedly wonder if you are making the right decision.
Some doubts are normal!