via Daily Prompt: Perplexed
Relationships are complicated, whether we are at the beginning, the middle, or the ending phase, relationships take a lot of work. Often couples feel perplexed about their relationship status, according to the Merriam Webster dictionary app, perplexed is defined as being filled with uncertainty or the inability to understand something clearly. This is normal, however many couples enter into engagement and feel uncertain about not only their relationship status, but issues related to the planning of the wedding day. If you are feeling perplexed then perhaps you should address these feelings in couples counseling.
Here are some common issues that engaged couples feel perplexed about during the engagement stage.
- Their partner’s personality traits (anger, manipulation, laziness, difficulty managing money, not being truthful, lack of interest in sex, and conflict with perspective in-laws)
- Feeling as if they have rushed into the engagement phase
- Feeling that they are not ready to live with their partner on a daily basis
- Inability to communicate directly
- Inability to resolve conflict
- Inability to show affection
- Inability to move past prior cheating incidents
- Inability to stop cheating on partner
- Fear that you are going to miss out on the single life with friends
- Concern about physical or verbal abuse
If you are engaged and experiencing any of the above concerns, by all means, find a premarital counselor. Counselors who are specially trained can assist you with identifying key problems and resolving those issues, before entering a legally and spiritually binding marriage.
Marriage can be based on many different things, hopefully one of the things your marriage is based upon is trust. Trust is vital in all relationships, but it has to be earned and it has to be developed over time. When trust is broken or weakened, then steps must be taken to prepare the damage that has been done. Unfortunately, many people marry without the benefit of trust. For instance, the guy who commits an act of infidelity the night before his wedding in celebration of his last night of freedom. What about the lady that constantly lies about her past relationships, or her relationship with her family of origin.
Some people have emotional trust issues, they are not able to connect with their partner because of past hurts during childhood or in adult relationships. Some people have not witnessed trustworthy people because everyone in their life has let them down in some aspect and proven to be untrustworthy. Possibly, some people have character defects that need to be rectified through mental health and spiritual counseling.
Do you trust your spouse? Can you trust your spouse to keep his or her marital vows. Can you trust your spouse’s word, that they will do what they say they are going to do? Can you trust that they will pay the bills, care for the children, and be financially responsible. What about emotions? Can you trust your spouse or potential spouse to be emotionally available? When someone is emotionally available they are able to respond to your emotional needs in a caring and mature manner, when you are in need.
You should only marry if you are in a trusting relationship. If your mate exhibits the following attributes then you may not be in a trusting relationship:
- Selfish tendencies in most actions
- A pattern of lying outright or misrepresenting the facts
- Being secretive about most things, especially things of the past
- Unresolved trauma in either party
- Past history of drug or alcohol abuse
- Inability to keep promises
- A pattern of cheating in current and prior relationships
- High levels of insecurity
Before marriage some doubts may be normal, because you are making a decision that will affect the rest of your life. However, how do you differentiate between normal and true doubts. How long should you allow doubts to persist before you take the feelings seriously?
Well, it depends on what the doubts are concerning, if you are having doubts about whether you want to be married or the character of your soon to be spouse, then you might want to take the time to explore those issues. If you are doubting the choice of cake or the brides maids dresses then you don’t have much to worry about. If you are wondering why you mate choose you, because you feel blessed to have your spouse to be, but wonder if you are good enough, this may also be normal, but in small doses. Don’t spend too much time wondering or it will become an issue.
If you are having doubts about being a good spouse, or how you will perform sexually on your wedding night, then just know these are normal doubts. This is a happy time that will bring about some nervous energy, after all, hopefully this will be your one and only marriage, and you will undoubtedly wonder if you are making the right decision.
Some doubts are normal!
When an individual decides to marry and become two some things are bound to change. The idea of becoming two simply means that the newly formed couple works as a team; the two individuals now consult each other before making decisions as to insure they are not being inconsiderate. It is important for the process of bonding to take place so that the marriage has a firm foundation. After the two individuals have become two it is also equally important for the two to maintain some individuality. For instance, each one should take time for self by maintaining friendships, alone time, and hobbies. When a married couple does not have an outlet to release energy and creativity then stress will build within the relationship. A well-rounded couple consist of those who can function within the relationship as well as outside of the relationship. Don’t allow your spouse to become your safety net; thus allowing your activities and friendships to wither away.