Marriage can be based on many different things, hopefully one of the things your marriage is based upon is trust. Trust is vital in all relationships, but it has to be earned and it has to be developed over time. When trust is broken or weakened, then steps must be taken to prepare the damage that has been done. Unfortunately, many people marry without the benefit of trust. For instance, the guy who commits an act of infidelity the night before his wedding in celebration of his last night of freedom. What about the lady that constantly lies about her past relationships, or her relationship with her family of origin.
Some people have emotional trust issues, they are not able to connect with their partner because of past hurts during childhood or in adult relationships. Some people have not witnessed trustworthy people because everyone in their life has let them down in some aspect and proven to be untrustworthy. Possibly, some people have character defects that need to be rectified through mental health and spiritual counseling.
Do you trust your spouse? Can you trust your spouse to keep his or her marital vows. Can you trust your spouse’s word, that they will do what they say they are going to do? Can you trust that they will pay the bills, care for the children, and be financially responsible. What about emotions? Can you trust your spouse or potential spouse to be emotionally available? When someone is emotionally available they are able to respond to your emotional needs in a caring and mature manner, when you are in need.
You should only marry if you are in a trusting relationship. If your mate exhibits the following attributes then you may not be in a trusting relationship:
- Selfish tendencies in most actions
- A pattern of lying outright or misrepresenting the facts
- Being secretive about most things, especially things of the past
- Unresolved trauma in either party
- Past history of drug or alcohol abuse
- Inability to keep promises
- A pattern of cheating in current and prior relationships
- High levels of insecurity
Before you were Mr. such and such half of a great couple, or before you were Mrs. such and such the other half of a great couple, you were uniquely you. When you were uniquely you, you were able to navigate through life independently making your own decisions (some good, some bad) but they were yours. Before you were married, you had friends, activities, hobbies, career aspirations etc. Before you were married you cared about how you dressed and the condition of your body. Well, marriage doesn’t change or shouldn’t change any of that. Yes, you may not be able to remain friends with some people because their values may not prove to be respectful of a newly married individual. This is understandable that some things will change because you have a new relationship to nurture and grow. It is important to remember that the better you are at taking care of yourself the better spouse and parent you will become.
One of the most unattractive characteristics of an individual is when they have completely lost their identify because they have become engrossed in their new relationship. This is detrimental because it will cause a severing of past relationships that may have taken a life time to build. It will also cause you to not make yourself a priority. When you are a priority then you have a full complete life with your spouse, friends, and activities. Do not fall victim to losing all the qualities that attracted your mate to you. For instance, if you were a critical thinker and independent, do not become so dependent that you cannot not make simple decisions for yourself (this is very unattractive). If you were full of life and energy, do not become a couch potato who has gained weight and lacks energy to the point where you cannot even complete basic household chores. If you were creative and cheerful, nurture that spark so that your mate continues to adore and love your vitality. In other words continue to be uniquely you, all the things that attracted your mate and others to you; remain full of life, cheer, joy, creativity, and intellect.