As a couples counselor who specializes in premarital Counseling, I have noticed a pattern of common couple problems. Many couples have relationship friction before marriage and experience an increase during wedding planning. I counsel couples, I teach couples, and I help individuals with their relationship problems. Here are some common complaints by couples before the wedding.
- Lack of trust
- Inability to problem solve
- Parents or in laws are allowed to interfere
- Money problems
- Spending too much time with opposite sex friends
Premarital Counseling is important Premarital Counseling Workshop
Well, you have bought the dress, ordered the flowers, and paid for the tuxedos, this should be the happiest time in your life. Something is wrong, and it is hard to explain.
The Bride To Be:
“When we were dating everything seemed good, but now that we have moved in together, I’m learning things about you that I didn’t realize before. Sometimes I wonder if we really know each other. I notice that when you are angry, you become physically intimidating. I notice that when you are mad at me that you give me the silent treatment for a week. I try to talk to you but that just seems to make you more angry. I heard you talking to your mother the other day about our problems, but you won’t talk to me. Lately, you are spending more time with your friends then you spend with me.”
The Groom To Be:
“When I come home I’m tired and you seem to want to talk. When I want sex, you don’t want to be bothered. When your parents come for a visit, you push me to the side and the three of you plan our wedding, without any input from me. I try to talk to you but you just get sad, cry, or you over-talk me. Lately, I have been talking to a co-worker, because I feel like I don’t have anyone else to talk to. We are supposed to get married in two months, but I have doubts, as it seems that we don’t really know a lot about each other and now those differences are starting to appear.”
Here are ten signs that you may not REALLY know your fiancé
- If you have not known and dated your fiancé for at least a year and a half. Meaning you dated for a year before accepting a proposal
- If you have not discussed important issues like money, sex, religion, etc.
- If you have not seen all aspects of his or her personality (range of emotion) sadness, anger etc.
- If you have not figured out how to have a PRODUCTIVE argument/conflict
- If you have not met all immediate and important family and friends
- If you have not discussed whether or not you want to have children
- If you have negative feelings toward your fiancé’s friends or family that you have not discussed or resolved
- If you have NOT discussed prior sexual and medical history (disorders, diseases etc.)
- If you don’t trust or have concern about your fiancé’s character
- If you and your fiancé live in different states and have dated and established a relationship LONG distance
If you need one on one coaching or counseling regarding your engagement please complete the form below.
It is a very natural thing to want to be in a loving relationship with another person. Many search and jump from relationship to relationship in an effort to find love, comfort, and companionship. The problem with individuals desperately seeking relationships is that they often move forward with relationships before they are ready. So how does one assess whether or not they are ready to pursue or commit to a relationship? Well it is my belief that several things should be in place in order for a relationship to develop in a healthy manner. Hopefully the following relationship assessment points will assist in determining whether one is ready or not.
For more on this topic listen to Premarital Bliss Podcast
- You are ready if you are single for at least two years and have assessed and learned from your past relationship mistakes (both parties have a role is the dissolution of the relationship).
- You know why you want to be in a relationship.
- You are financially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically ready.
- Fully available (not married, not separated, or going through a divorce).
- You have been independent, lived alone, paying your own bills, and ok with being alone.
- You are ready when you know what you want out of a relationship (i.e. marriage, just dating, companionship).
- You are ready when you do not have relationship baggage (YOU HAVE HEALED AND PROCESSED YOUR HURT).
- You are ready when you can live in Relationship reality: are able to identify RED flags for potential relationship failure.
Why do individuals feel it is necessary to rush into life long commitments such as marriage and child rearing? These are two of the most important decisions that an individual will ever make in his or her adult life; therefore these decisions cannot be taken lightly. Marriage is a sacred institution and should not take place until the individuals involved have taken ample time to get to know each other. The decision to marry should not be made simply because individuals feel happy, have butterflies in their tummy, or because of outstanding sex. Marriage should not occur to fulfill selfish reasons like not wanting to be alone, or because friends and family members are pressuring you to marry. No, this decision is serious and the idea of “if this doesn’t work I can divorce” should not be an option, because this type of thinking will lead to couples abandoning their relationships at the slightest discomfort.
Before you decide to get married take the time to get to know the other person. Be sure to know, interview, and understand their family of origin. Don’t settle for uncertainties, ask important questions and observe behaviors that may be problematic. Find out about marital, sexual, financial, employment, and psychological histories. This is important so that there are no surprises. You should see all aspects of the other person’s personality such as happiness, sadness, anger, depression, etc. Often when people want to get married they only display their desirable characteristics so that they may impress the other person. Couples should date and get to know each other for at least a year prior to marrying, couples should not live together, because this gives a false impression of what marriage is all about and is wrong in the eyes of God.
Just as there is nothing wrong with waiting for marriage, one should also wait for the correct time to have children. I believe having a child is more life changing than marriage, because children unlike a marriage cannot be dissolved. The relationship is permanent and unlike and any other. The decision to create a baby should not be made without careful thought given to how this will change lives forever, and the amount of support that is needed in order to raise children properly.
For some reason in our society it has become the norm to act first and think later. In some situations this could be a good thing, but when it comes to parenting and marriage this might not be the best approach. Whatever happened to placing value on making thoughtful and sound decisions. Why is there a need for rush, rush? I have a theory about why our society needs to rush everything. Maybe people are rushing because they are afraid that if they took the time to wait for marriage and children that they would realize, maybe, just maybe the person they want to marry or create children with is not appropriate, but they are afraid of being alone and never experiencing being a parent or having committed relationship. But what good is a relationship if it is not with the right person and what good is having a child for the wrong reason, both situations can result in pain and unhappiness.
Give yourself time to make good decisions!